ObaMarxism

Once upon a time, the pejorative “Liberal” would drive Massachusetts governors to fold like cheap suits. But the L-word has lost its Reagan-era oomph, leaving those who loved to use it casting about for a replacement. Enter the word “Socialist,” which has recently been seen dipping its toe into the political waters. The dictionary defines “socialism” as government ownership of the means of production—impossible in the U.S., since we’ve outsourced the production of things to China.

But the clarion cries for unfettered free markets sends a chill of pride through my spine, reminiscent of the tingle I get when New Hampshire license plates pass me on the highway. America was built by pioneers who relied on their wits (and their rifles), not on pencil-pushing, regulation-writing bureaucrats in Washington.

No, the last thing we want is government involved in our lives. So it’s about time we got rid of:

- The Armed Forces. If I want to invade a country, I’ll do it the old-fashioned way: with mercenaries. And who needs police? I’ll hire a bodyguard for my next visit to Target, just like they do in Brazil.

- Clean Air and Water. I liked landing at LAX much better when we’d descend through a yellow cloud of freedom particles. And they say that Boston’s Charles River is safe for swimming these days, although you’ll find me in the MIT pool.

- Roads. Wouldn’t it be more efficient if private companies built roads instead wasting taxpayer money on Eisenhower’s silly Interstate Highway System? The general that led D-Day might’ve known a thing or two about logistics, but I think I’d rather pay a toll every time I pulled out of my driveway.

- Schools. After all, private schools were around before the public kind. And who said that every kid should be given an opportunity to learn, irrespective of how much money his parents make? There’s always flipping burgers (or investment banking).

- Healthcare Insurance: They taught us at Wharton that a free market is an efficient market. And after my recent appendectomy, I got a chance to watch market-clearing forces work. I marveled at the efficiency of my insurer’s unintelligible paperwork, horrid customer service, numerous errors and confusing doublespeak about deductibles, out-of-pocket maximums and co-payments. I didn’t quite understand why my insurer paid the surgeon’s assistant $2,400 and the surgeon $900, but I was thankful I had insurance. If you happen to fall between those with nothing (who’s going to sue you to collect?) and those of us that have insurance, tough luck. Your house or heart surgery, what’s it going to be?

But I don’t think the cries of “socialism” are going to fool anyone. We all know that name-calling only benefits two groups: the special interest groups that shape legislation in the shadows, and the talk show hosts that make millions by devolving complex policy debate into binary, Chicken McNugget-sized talking points.

Or is “Live Free or Die” just a slogan on a license plate?